The question "Where are you from?" is something that many Third Culture Kids (TCKs) dread. It epitomizes the TCK struggle with identity. I remember a time when Facebook used to prominently display one's hometown on a profile, and another TCK I knew fittingly wrote, "Alien." I imagined that, like me, they felt forced to give a single location but weren't able to, and furthermore, they just didn't feel like they had a home anywhere on earth!
Imagine for a moment that a stranger asks you, "Where are you from?" Pause those one or two seconds before you respond. What kind of thoughts are going through your mind? What kind of feelings are you having?
In my experience, there are three types of struggle that can occur when a TCK is asked "Where are you from?"
The practical struggle of not knowing how to interpret the question and what to say in response
The emotional struggle around giving the answer to and receiving the response from the other person
The existential struggle of not knowing who you are or where you belong
Understanding and working through the practical struggle
If you have a practical struggle with the question "Where are you from?", the first thought that often comes to mind is, "What do they want or mean?" And often, underlying this thought is the assumption that 1) the other person is expecting a single, simple answer, and 2) the other person is expecting a specific type of answer or that there is a "correct" answer.
This leads to the struggle of trying to figure out how to respond: "Do I talk about my citizenship(s)? Where I was born? Where my parents are from? A country? A city? Where I live now? Or where I used to live? Where I spent most of my time growing up? Or the place I feel closest to?"
If you notice that you feel confused, stuck, or stressed because you're wondering what the other person means or you're concerned about giving the "right answer," we can work through these feelings so you can be in a calmer state. This will then allow you to have more clarity and confidence about how you might want to respond to the question.
Understanding and working through the emotional struggle
Let's say that you do know how you want to respond to the question. For example, maybe you decided that you want to reframe the question from "Where are you from?" to "Where have you lived?" You may have decided to mention a few of the places where you grew up, where you feel most at home, or talk about the last place you moved from. And still, you may feel discomfort or even dread talking about yourself. You may even feel frustrated or angry with the way the question was even asked.
When I was asked "Where are you from?" I used to try to get over that part of the conversation as quickly as possible. I would say that I grew up in both Japan and the U.S. and lived in different cities in the U.S. as an adult. That would sometimes lead to follow-up questions, which would lead me to give a timeline of my moves growing up. I would start talking faster! I realized later on that I did that because I felt that I was wasting the other person's time with my "complicated" story. As I dug deeper, I realized I felt uncomfortable with how different I assumed my upbringing was compared with the other person. I was also worried about what they were going to think about me.
When it comes to working through the emotional struggle when giving your answer, there may be one or more layers of things to work through. Is the struggle due to a desire to give a short and simple answer? Or is it due to past experiences of receiving an undesirable reaction or of having to answer follow-up questions? Maybe it's your experiences of feeling different or having trouble connecting with others because of your TCK background. Maybe it's the lingering sadness, grief, or anger about parts of your TCK past. Or maybe it's how you feel about not knowing your identity.
Sometimes, we may not know the exact reasons why we react a certain way to this question, and that's okay. When we pay attention to and work through our immediate reaction to being asked "Where are you from?", that may be the end of it, or your mind and body will let you know that there's a deeper issue from the past that needs to be worked on. By working through any layers of emotions and relevant experiences one at a time, we can turn the question "Where are you from?" into one you can answer with ease, and maybe even with great pleasure. Imagine that!
Understanding and working through the existential struggle
As you work through your emotional struggle of being asked "Where are you from?", you may discover that your reaction to the question has to do with how you feel about your identity. Feelings such as confusion, sadness, frustration, or anxiety may be paired with thoughts of "I don't have a home or a place where I belong." or "I don't know who I am." On a deeper level, the question may also trigger feelings of insecurity about your place and purpose in life.
Resolving this type of existential struggle requires deep investigation. Let me explain why with a little exercise.
Fill in the blank:
I have identity issues because ______________________________________.
Did you answer something like "I grew up in multiple places" or "my parents are X, but I grew up Y?" Many TCKs are aware that their identity issues are a result of not growing up in a single place or culture. But to understand why that leads to identity issues, we need to break down what it means to grow up in multiple cultures.
Here are what some TCKs experience when they grow up in multiple places or in a different culture than their parents. Do you relate to any of the following?
Because I grew up in multiple places OR my parents are X, but I grew up Y...
I'm a jack of multiple cultures, but master of none.
I had to leave places and people I was attached to, and part of me is still sad or angry about that.
I have/had a hard time fitting in or I was excluded in some places because I was different from everyone else.
I'm not sure if I should act according to the values and beliefs of X culture or Y culture.
My values, beliefs, desires, or interests are different from those of my parents, and I have a hard time with that.
Part of me is X, but I don't feel comfortable connecting to that part of myself.
It's easy for me to adapt to other environments and to the needs and expectations of other people (so who I am and what I do changes based on where I am or who I'm with at the moment).
These are just some of the deeper layers that underlie identity issues. Once you've worked through these layers so that they're no longer negatively affecting you, that's when you can stop saying "I have identity issues because I grew up in multiple places / my parents are X, but I grew up Y."
How are you challenged with answering the question "Where are you from?" If you'd like help exploring and working through this, please feel free to reach out to me to chat.