Navigating the complexities of not fitting into a single cultural box and lacking a sense of belonging can be a deeply challenging and confusing experience. Recently, I had an exchange with a young TCK who asked for advice on how to navigate these challenges, especially after experiencing rejection and a feeling of otherness from the cultural groups with which he partly identified. I wanted to share a few perspectives on this topic from my own journey and my work with other TCKs, which I hope will be helpful for others in working through this difficult challenge.
Exploring the belief that we have to fit into a single cultural box to belong
Let's start by exploring why many TCKs feel uncomfortable with their multicultural background and believe that fitting in with one cultural box is the only way to truly belong. This belief often stems from two common experiences:
Being rejected, misunderstood, or being told in some way by our cultural groups that we are somehow not acceptable because of our TCK identity, and
Feeling disconnected or uncomfortable with being out of sync with our cultural groups in terms of shared knowledge, experiences, interests, and values.
It's entirely natural and understandable to feel uncomfortable with these experiences and to yearn for a sense of belonging, especially when we find ourselves in situations where we have little control over our surroundings and social interactions.
However, if people have rejected us for being TCKs, this experience may have consciously or subconsciously made us feel that there's something inherently wrong with us for being different. We may have felt responsible for making others feel comfortable or for meeting their expectations of who they think we should be. As the "odd" one or the minority, it's understandable if we internalize the belief that we are the problem and that we need to adapt to fit in with the group. (It's no surprise that adaptability is a common trait among TCKs!)
But if people have rejected us for being TCKs, it's important to realize that their rejection isn't a reflection of our worth, but rather a reflection of their own limitations and struggles. If we take a step back and observe other situations where one group is prejudiced against a minority for being of a different race or ethnicity, we can see that there is nothing inherently wrong with the minority. The right people will be able to see beyond the surface-level differences of our cultural background and genuinely appreciate and connect with us for who we are.
Feeling disconnected and out of sync from our cultural groups can also lead us to believe that our multicultural background is to blame. We might feel like we don't truly belong anywhere because our experiences don't perfectly align with any single cultural group. For example, I've had repeated moments of thinking, "I am not Japanese. I am not American. I am not quite Japanese-American either."
However, it's essential to challenge this way of thinking. As humans, we have an inherent inclination to categorize and label things to make sense of the world, including ourselves. While labels like "TCKs" can help us understand our experiences, labeling groups can lead to generalizations that hinder our ability to see the uniqueness of individuals. If I say "I don't belong because I don't fit in with Japanese people," I'm making a sweeping generalization about an entire ethnic group. I'm actually succumbing to the same kind of generalization that leads to TCKs being rejected for their cultural background or for people to reject others for their ethnicity — in other words, prejudice.
So, instead of believing that we don't belong to a culture, it may be more helpful to consider whether we've felt disconnected from our cultural groups because we didn't share enough in common with the specific individuals we interacted with within those groups. If this is the case, feeling disconnected and lacking belonging isn't resolved by forsaking our multiculturalism; rather, it can be addressed by seeking out individuals with whom we share commonalities, regardless of culture.
Exploring different ways to connect with our cultures, with people, and with who we are
I understand that despite these challenges, we can still desire a connection to the cultures that shape our identity. (Note, we can also have a desire to avoid them: a topic for another time.) It's worth exploring alternative ways to enjoy our cultures without forcing ourselves to fit in with specific people who reject us. Is it possible to find different individuals within these communities or elsewhere with whom we can form genuine connections? Or, is it possible that by authentically being ourselves, without trying to please or convince others, the right people within these communities may overcome their initial prejudices and genuinely connect with us?
It's also important to acknowledge that what most of us crave is the experience of deep human connection, which transcends cultural backgrounds. So other questions to explore, and those that I personally live by are: Could we form connections with people that have less to do with our cultural backgrounds, but are based more on our personalities, interests, values, and perspectives? Could we find people to connect on a deeper, more personal level? By approaching connections in this way, we can build meaningful relationships with individuals who truly see us for who we are beyond the confines of cultural labels. These connections have the potential to bring us the sense of belonging and understanding we long for, irrespective of cultural differences.
Exploring whether our past experiences are affecting our beliefs and mindset about how we feel about our identity and how we interact with the world
The most liberating step for TCKs is letting go of the belief that we have to be 100% of a particular culture to be good enough or to belong. This means releasing the need to define ourselves solely by our cultural background — or to define ourselves at all. Paradoxically, it's when we let go of needing to define ourselves that our identity issues begin to resolve.
To accomplish this, it's crucial to let go of the emotionally challenging experiences that have shaped our beliefs and mindset. These experiences can keep us trapped in the belief that we must conform to one cultural box to find safety, happiness, and belonging. It's important to recognize that while these experiences may have been part of our journey, they don't have to continue to define us. Consider this: What if we had grown up surrounded by open-minded, diverse individuals who celebrated every aspect of our multicultural background? What if we were part of a community that didn't expect us to label and define ourselves by a single culture or place? Such communities do exist, and living among them, we would have never developed the belief that fitting in with one cultural group is the only path to belonging.
The crucial question then becomes: How do we let go of the emotional challenges we experienced so we can change the beliefs we have as TCKs? There are various ways to work through them — whether through therapy, coaching, spiritual counseling, meditation, or alternative methods. For each of us, there's a unique solution that resonates with our personal journey. The important thing to remember is that it is possible to overcome these emotional challenges and find resolution.
For me, after exploring different approaches (each contributing to my growth), EFT was pivotal in letting go of my past emotional challenges as a TCK and resolving my lifelong struggles with identity and belonging. Not only did it enable me to heal and to transform my perspective on myself and my life as a TCK, it brought me peace, self-acceptance, joy, and deeper connections with myself and others, all of which I never thought was possible. If you're interested in learning more about this approach and whether it could be helpful for you or someone you know, please feel free to reach out for a complimentary 30-minute conversation or connect with me online.
Regardless of which approach is used, by dismantling the beliefs we have about ourselves as TCKs, forming connections that acknowledge and appreciate exactly who we and others are as unique individuals, and letting go of past emotional challenges, we can discover a path to true belonging.