Overcoming Feeling a Lack of Belonging as a TCK

Navigating the complexities of not fitting into a single cultural box and feeling a lack of belonging can be a deeply challenging and confusing experience. Recently, a young TCK reached out for advice on how to navigate these struggles, especially after facing rejection and a sense of otherness from cultural groups they partly identified with. I wanted to share some insights on this topic, both from my own experience and from the work I’ve done with other TCKs, in the hope that it might help others work through these feelings.

Exploring the belief that we have to fit into a single cultural box to belong

Many TCKs struggle with the idea that fitting into one specific cultural box is the only way to truly belong. This belief often arises from two main experiences:

1. Rejection or misunderstanding from our cultural groups, where we were made to feel unaccepted due to our multicultural background.

2. Disconnection from those groups because we don't share the same experiences, knowledge, or values.

It's completely natural and understandable to feel uncomfortable with these experiences and to yearn for a sense of belonging, especially when we find ourselves in situations where we have little control over our surroundings and social interactions.

But if we’ve been rejected for being TCKs, this can lead us to believe that there’s something wrong with us for being different. We might feel responsible for making others feel comfortable or for meeting their expectations of who we should be. As the "odd" one or the minority, it's easy to internalize a belief like, "I'm the problem and I need to change to fit in with everyone else." (It's no surprise that adaptability is a common trait among TCKs.)

But it’s important to remember that if we’ve been rejected for our TCK background, that rejection isn’t a reflection of our worth; it’s more about the other person’s limitations and struggles. If we observe situations where one group is prejudiced against another simply because of race or ethnicity, we can see that the issue isn't with the minority, but with the group’s inability to look beyond surface differences. The right people will appreciate us for who we are, regardless of our background.

Feeling disconnected from our cultural groups can also lead us to believe that our multicultural background is to blame. We might feel like we don't truly belong anywhere because our experiences don't perfectly align with any single cultural group. For example, I’ve often thought to myself, "I'm not Japanese. I'm not American. I'm not quite Japanese-American either."

But this kind of thinking is limiting. Humans tend to categorize and label things to make sense of the world, including ourselves. While labels like "TCKs" can help us understand our experiences, labeling groups can lead to generalizations that prevent us from seeing the uniqueness of each individual. If I say, "I don't belong because I don't fit in with Japanese people," I'm actually making a sweeping generalization about an entire ethnic group. In fact, I’m falling into the same pattern of prejudice that leads people to reject us based on our background.

Moving Beyond Labels to Find Genuine Connection

Instead of feeling like we don’t belong because we don’t fit neatly into one culture, it’s more helpful to explore whether our disconnection comes from not sharing enough in common with the specific individuals we’ve interacted with. Feeling out of place isn’t about forsaking our multiculturalism; it’s about seeking out people who share our interests, values, and perspectives — regardless of their cultural background.

I understand that despite these challenges, some TCKs can still desire a connection to the cultures that shape their identity. (Note, some can also have a desire to avoid them: a topic for another time.) It's worth exploring alternative ways to enjoy your cultures without forcing yourself to fit in with specific people who reject us. Is it possible to find different individuals within these communities or elsewhere with whom we can form genuine connections? Or, is it possible that by authentically being ourselves, without trying to please or convince others, the right people within these communities may overcome their initial prejudices and genuinely connect with us?

It's also important to acknowledge that what most of us crave is the experience of deep human connection, which transcends cultural backgrounds. So other questions to explore, and those that I personally live by are: Could we form connections with people that have less to do with our cultural backgrounds, but are based more on our personalities, interests, values, and perspectives? Could we find people to connect on a deeper, more personal level? By approaching connections in this way, we can build meaningful relationships with individuals who truly see us for who we are beyond the confines of cultural labels. These connections have the potential to bring us the sense of belonging and understanding we long for, irrespective of cultural differences.

Exploring whether our past experiences are affecting our beliefs and mindset about how we feel about our identity and how we interact with the world

One of the most liberating steps for TCKs is letting go of the belief that we have to be 100% of a particular culture to be good enough or to belong. This means releasing the need to define ourselves solely by our cultural background — or to define ourselves at all. Paradoxically, it's when we let go of needing to define ourselves that our identity issues begin to resolve.

How do we do this? It requires processing any unresolved emotional experiences we had that shaped our beliefs and mindset about ourselves. These experiences can keep us trapped in the belief that we have to conform to one cultural box — or to be approved and accepted by a particular group of people — to find safety, happiness, and belonging. While these experiences may have been part of our journey growing up, they don't have to continue to define us as adults. Consider this: What if we had grown up surrounded by open-minded, diverse individuals who celebrated every aspect of who we were? What if we were part of a community that didn't expect us to label and define ourselves by a single culture or place? Such communities do exist, and living among them, we would have never developed the belief that fitting in with one cultural group is the only path to belonging.

The crucial question then becomes: How do we let go of the emotional challenges we experienced so we can change the beliefs we have as TCKs? There are various ways to work through them — whether through therapy, coaching, spiritual counseling, meditation, or alternative methods. For each of us, there's a unique solution that resonates with our personal journey. The important thing to remember is that it is possible to overcome these emotional challenges and find resolution.

For me, after exploring different approaches (each contributing to my growth), EFT was pivotal in letting go of my past emotional challenges as a TCK and resolving my lifelong struggles with identity and belonging. Not only did it enable me to heal and to transform my perspective on myself and my life as a TCK, it brought me peace, self-acceptance, joy, and deeper connections with myself and others, all of which I never thought was possible.

Regardless of which approach is used, by dismantling the beliefs we have about ourselves as TCKs, forming connections that acknowledge and appreciate exactly who we and others are as unique individuals, and letting go of past emotional challenges, we can discover a path to true belonging.

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If you'd like to explore how your your experiences as TCK might be shaping your challenges and uncover ways to move forward, consider scheduling an Insight & Strategy Session. This focused, one-on-one session offers a supportive space to gain clarity and take meaningful steps toward relief.

Not ready for a session? Stay connected with me online through my Facebook Group and other social spaces where you’ll find ongoing support, insights, and connection.

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