Breaking Down the Problem of (Not) Belonging

Akiyo Kodera
Jan 16
7 min read

Why feeling like you don’t belong isn’t just about where you live—and what actually affects connection

Over time, I’ve noticed a recurring theme among TCKs: a sense of not belonging anywhere, no matter how many times they move or try to start over. It’s something I’ve seen repeatedly, both in my own life and in the experiences TCKs share. I wanted to offer some reflections, not as a universal answer, but as a perspective shaped by experience.

Before going further, I want to acknowledge something important. Every TCK is different.

There are common struggles that tend to show up, but how they show up depends on many factors: how often someone moved, where they lived and how they left, their parents’ professions, family dynamics, how much trauma or stability they had, and who they are as a person. Each TCK has their own story, and those experiences continue to shape how they experience the world and their relationships today.

That said, there are a few patterns I’ve consistently noticed around the experience of not belonging.

The External Part: When the Environment Really Is the Problem

One part of the belonging issue has to do with environment.

Sometimes people truly are in the wrong places, surrounded by people who are close-minded, judgmental, or uncomfortable with difference. When you’re repeatedly treated as “other,” it makes complete sense that you would feel like you don’t belong. In these situations, the discomfort comes from how difference is treated in that environment.

When that’s the case, the answer often is to find different environments. That doesn’t always mean leaving a country. Sometimes it’s changing neighborhoods, workplaces, or social circles. Sometimes it’s simply spending more time in spaces where kindness and openness are more common.

This part matters, and it shouldn’t be minimized. It can be helpful to ask yourself whether the discomfort you feel is coming from how difference is treated around you, or from something you’ve been carrying with you across environments.

The Internal Part: What We Carry With Us

The problem of belonging is rarely solved by moving alone.

The other part of the belonging issue is more internal, and this is the part that often gets overlooked.

When someone has gone through repeated experiences of not fitting, being misunderstood, or feeling rejected, it naturally shapes how they approach people later on. You might start entering situations already braced for things not to go well, or keeping a certain distance without fully realizing it. If you’ve had to say goodbye many times, or even once in a painful way, you may not feel very invested in connections you expect to be temporary. Even when this isn’t conscious, it affects how you show up.

People tend to pick up on this more quickly than we realize. It can come across as guardedness, tension, or a lack of presence, even when you’re being polite and engaged. When others sense that you don’t feel at ease or invested in interacting with them, this can lead to missed connections and reinforce the experience of not belonging.

Think about this from your own perspective. When you walk into a room of people you don't know, how do you decide who's approachable? Is it really arbitrary, or do you have a gut sense guiding you toward certain people? Another question worth asking is how you might see yourself in that same room.

When others sense that you don’t feel at ease or invested, connection quietly breaks down.

Social Anxiety and Self-Doubt

I find that many TCKs struggle with social anxiety and self-doubt, and these play a much bigger role than many TCKs realize.

Social anxiety doesn’t just affect social life—it shapes how people live.

Social anxiety quietly undermines self-confidence in ways that affect almost every part of life. It doesn’t only show up in obvious social settings. It influences what jobs people apply for or avoid, how they come across in interviews, how comfortable they feel expressing themselves at work, and how easily they form and maintain friendships.

Even people who function well, sometimes very well, experience this situationally. Group settings, unfamiliar environments, or situations where they’re being evaluated for their abilities can bring up discomfort or a need to prove themselves. You can be friendly, capable, and well-intentioned, and others still sense whether you feel at ease or tense within moments of meeting you. That subtle difference affects how connection unfolds. And when anxiety leads someone to avoid certain people or situations altogether, the problem of connection tends to deepen.

Because of how much social anxiety affects daily life and interferes with how much someone trusts being themselves, I often see it as a key issue underlying what people describe as “identity issues.”

When It’s Not Only About Culture

For TCKs, the issue of belonging is often more complicated than cultural fit alone.

If the discomfort is specific—such as not speaking a language well enough, not understanding certain cultural norms, being discriminated against because you don’t fit a cultural group, or feeling self-conscious about your background—that is clearly tied to being a TCK.

But if the anxiety feels more generalized and follows you across different places and groups, it may not be only about culture.

Some useful questions to ask are: Where did I feel unseen, unheard, or misunderstood? With whom did I feel like I couldn’t express what I liked and disliked, talk about what mattered to me, or pursue my interests without fear of judgment?

Sometimes the answer really is a cultural gap. Other times, the gap is something less obvious, but just as impactful.

Belonging vs. Connecting

This is where the language we use can quietly shape how we approach the problem.

The idea of “belonging” often turns into trying to fit into a group or environment. In practice, this focus on fitting in tends to make things harder rather than easier. A more useful question is whether someone is actually connecting with people.

Connection shifts the focus. It asks whether something meaningful is happening between two people, rather than whether one is accepted by a group as a whole. It also opens up a more honest inquiry: Is the difficulty coming from how others are behaving, from what someone is carrying internally, or from a combination of both?

When the emphasis moves away from belonging and toward connection, it often becomes easier to see where change is possible and where it isn’t.

Identity, Adaptation, and Connection

Another piece that often complicates connection for TCKs is identity—here meaning our values, preferences, and desires.

If someone were to ask you, “Tell me about yourself,” what would you say first?

For many TCKs, the answer naturally starts with their history: the places they lived, the countries they moved between, the languages they speak or don’t speak, the cultures they understand or don’t fully understand. This isn’t unusual. When the world has repeatedly tried to define you by nationality, and you can’t sum yourself up with one neat label, it makes sense to define yourself through your experiences instead.

TCK experiences also tend to have a significant emotional impact. They shape how you see people, relationships, and yourself. When something has affected you that deeply, it’s natural for it to become central to how you describe who you are.

The challenge is that when identity becomes defined mostly through history alone, deeper connection can be harder. Connection doesn’t require shared background. It relies on shared human experiences. And it grows from knowing what you value, what you care about, what you enjoy, what you’re drawn to, and what matters to you now.

Here’s an example. My monocultural friends don’t see me as a TCK. They see me as someone who values kindness, integrity, and thoughtfulness. That comes through in everyday conversations and in how I show up. They also know I care about good food, how much I love my dogs, the music I enjoy, and that I like spending time in nature.

It doesn’t matter that some of them don’t care about food, never eat Japanese food, prefer cats, or have different tastes in music. What makes these relationships work is that none of us are focused on surface-level differences: we appreciate the simple fact that we have our likes and dislikes. We can also have long, meaningful conversations about what’s happening in our world, our community, and our personal lives.

It also doesn’t matter that they aren’t TCKs. They’ve had their own experiences of feeling powerless as children, struggling in relationships, being judged, or needing to adapt to something unfamiliar. They want to feel good in their lives just as much as I do. We all experience the same emotions. This is what I mean by shared human experiences.

Connection isn’t built on shared background, but on shared human experiences.

Connections are also deeper when you feel connected to yourself. How connected you are to yourself is closely tied to adaptation, an ability many TCKs are familiar with. Some forms of adaptation are useful and respectful, especially when navigating different cultures. Other forms slowly pull people away from themselves. Over time, this can look like holding back opinions, minimizing preferences, or agreeing to things that don’t truly feel aligned, all in an effort to stay flexible or avoid standing out.

A few questions can help clarify this: What do I actually value? What do I want? Where am I living in alignment with those things, and where am I not? And what’s getting in the way?

When adaptation replaces self-expression, connection becomes difficult. People can’t connect deeply with someone who isn’t able to show up as themselves.

For many TCKs, the question isn’t “Where do I belong?” as much as “What keeps me from connecting, and why?”

The answer is rarely just one thing. It usually has to do with the environments you spend time in, the level of social anxiety or self-doubt you’re carrying, how well you know your own values and preferences, and how much you’re still adapting instead of showing up as yourself.

When these things are worked with directly, connection tends to feel less elusive. That doesn’t come from awareness alone. It comes from deeper inner work, including going back to past experiences that still influence how you behave with people today. Experiences of rejection, misunderstanding, or having to adapt for long periods of time don’t simply fade away on their own.

As those experiences are gradually worked through and no longer carried in the same way, behavior starts to change. You’re less guarded without trying to be. You’re more present without forcing it. You stop trying to belong by being small, over-adapting, or placing yourself in situations that consistently don’t work for you.

Over time, belonging stops feeling like something you’re chasing and starts to feel grounded in how you show up and relate, day to day.