Are You Protecting Yourself From Your Emotional Sensitivity and Empathy?

As a coach and TCK dedicated to supporting other TCKs, I’ve been on a profound journey of self-discovery — and of understanding how our identity forms through cultural and less obvious experiences.

In a previous blog, I discussed my work with individuals who identify as being sensitive or empathic, and the subtle ways these qualities and related traits can influence our identities as TCKs. Today, I want to delve deeper into another aspect: the challenge of rejecting or blocking our emotional sensitivity and empathy. Drawing from my personal experience, I’ve found that overcoming this challenge was a crucial step in uncovering my true self, building stronger connections, and living a more fulfilling life.

Recognizing the signs of rejecting emotional sensitivity and empathy

From my own experiences and while helping others, I’ve noticed that sensitive individuals can accept or reject their emotional sensitivity and empathy to varying degrees. Those who wholeheartedly accept these qualities tend to openly express kindness, compassion, and emotional sensitivity. They wear their hearts on their sleeves and generously give love to others in their personal and professional lives.

However, there are instances where someone who is sensitive may reject certain aspects of their emotional sensitivity and empathy because of the challenges they faced. This may lead them to become detached, aloof, or guarded. Even if they remain kind and giving, they may do so more carefully and selectively.

It’s important to recognize that there’s no right or wrong way to be a sensitive person. In my own journey, I once found myself leaning toward the latter category. At a certain point in my life, I realized that I had built a protective wall around myself, which made it difficult to experience the full range of emotions. While this shielded me from certain unpleasant emotions — and even enabled me to be productive in high-stress situations — it also left me feeling disconnected and unable to fully experience joy.

An underlying anxiety persisted, and it was only much later that I uncovered its cause. Eventually, I understood that this protective wall also kept me from being fully loving toward others. In doing so, I denied an essential part of who I am, which created uncertainty about my identity and purpose in life.

Understanding why we reject our emotional sensitivity and empathy

Do you recall a time in your life when you were perhaps more sensitive, empathic, and giving? And do you remember when that changed?

Numerous reasons can lead us to reject our sensitivity and empathy. Often, we learn that these qualities don't serve us in specific environments. For example:

1. We may have been judged or didn't fit in with others because of our emotional sensitivity and empathy.

2. We may have judged others for their emotions, particularly if their feelings led to behavior that harmed us.

3. Having certain emotions or empathy may have felt too painful, hindering our ability to function or succeed in certain settings or situations.

4. We may have experienced being penalized or taken advantage of because of our kindness and compassion.

Such painful experiences can create fear and judgment around our emotional sensitivity and empathy. We may end up believing that if we rejected these qualities about ourselves, life would be easier and we would feel better about ourselves.

But it's crucial to recognize that when we reject these qualities — which are such an essential part of who we are — we're ultimately judging and rejecting ourselves. If you're continually suffering from anxiety, self-doubt, or low self-confidence, could that be because you're continually judging yourself? If you ever feel like something is missing in your life, is it possible that what you're missing is a connection to yourself?

Moving beyond fear and judgment of our emotions, emotional sensitivity, and empathy

Learning to acknowledge and accept our emotions

Before addressing the rejection of emotional sensitivity, it’s important to acknowledge that most people reject certain emotions to some degree. Society often teaches us that having, feeling, or expressing unpleasant emotions is unacceptable.

Many of us live in busy environments where getting things done takes priority over taking time to feel and process our emotions. We habitually disconnect from our emotions on a daily basis in order to move on to the next thing we have to do.

In addition, it may have been rare for us to have been among family members, teachers, or peers who could simply hold space for us when we had unpleasant experiences and emotions. For example, “toxic positivity” — a term used to describe and challenge the culture of only having and showing positive emotions — has recently become popularized. But for many of us, this is the culture we grew up in. Instead of being allowed to be sad, we were likely told to cheer up. Conversations with people outside our inner circle tend to be positive and superficial. There are few places and situations where we feel safe enough to truly feel and openly share our unpleasant emotions, and where we feel heard and accepted.

In addition to sadness, society has also taught us to judge other “negative” emotions such as fear, anger, jealousy, and shame. Consequently, we may try to suppress them in hopes of being a “better” human being.

However, I gently invite you to consider a few points:

• These emotions may feel unpleasant, but they're not inherently bad. Sometimes we may have associated unpleasant emotions with harmful behavior, but they are two separate things. For example, it's okay for us to feel angry; it's not okay to use that anger to abuse someone.

• If we want to move out of these unpleasant emotional states, self-judgment isn't the solution; it only exacerbates the issue. For example, if we find ourselves angry and then become judgmental about being angry (by feeling angry, guilty, shameful, etc.), we've just added fuel to the fire.

• Suppression also doesn't make the emotion disappear; the emotion is still being held in your body. To understand this, simply recall a moment when you tried suppressing an emotion. Most likely you'll still feel the energy of that emotion somewhere within you.

What then do we do about these unpleasant emotional states? Taking a mindful and intentional approach to be okay with having these emotions is actually a first and crucial step toward non-judgment. In fact, by allowing ourselves to acknowledge an unpleasant emotion and have self-compassion for it, we can experience some relaxation and relief in our mind and body — enough for the emotion to begin to move through us rather than staying stuck in us.

One of the most common challenges I see sensitive individuals struggle with when they’re trying to work through their experiences is resistance to feeling anger toward other people. Because there is often such a strong desire to be good and kind, there can be a tendency to suppress anger with noble intentions—for example, to practice forgiveness and compassion or to preserve social harmony. If the anger is related to family members, it can be even more challenging. If you find yourself in this position, consider the following:

• Achieving true forgiveness and compassion for others often involves extending these feelings to ourselves and allowing the processing of our own emotions, including anger.

• If you’re seeking social agreement and harmony, it’s worth considering whether you genuinely feel comfortable prioritizing others’ emotional needs over your own.

• Feeling anger toward someone for a specific action doesn’t diminish other feelings we hold for them, such as love.

Remember, it’s essential to strike a balance between being compassionate toward others and nurturing self-compassion. When we can have self-compassion, we stop fighting with our emotions. This process is actually one part of my work that allows emotional change to begin to occur.

Understanding the roots of our negative beliefs about our emotions, emotional sensitivity, and empathy

But what if you’re overtaken by such strong fear and judgment toward your emotions that they simply can’t be overcome by an intention to acknowledge and accept them? Similarly, what if you have strong fear and judgment toward your emotional sensitivity and empathy? Underlying these strong feelings is often a deep-rooted belief that it’s unsafe or wrong to be emotional, sensitive, or empathic.

At times, sensitive individuals can be critical of the intensity of their emotional sensitivity. For example, imagine an emotional sensitivity scale that ranges from 0 to 20. If you fully felt and expressed your emotions, your sensitivity might be at a 20. But you prefer not to feel that intensity, so you try to suppress your emotions and stay at a 0.

As I discussed in my earlier blog, I believe that some sensitivity is innate. At the same time, certain emotional reactions to specific situations might stem from past painful experiences that are being triggered. This presents an opportunity for introspection and healing. And taking personal accountability to change our reactivity can be done without beating ourselves up for how we currently are. Instead, we can have self-compassion and understanding toward ourselves. As we address prior wounds with compassion, our reactivity and emotional intensity can diminish, making it easier to live comfortably with our innate sensitivity — perhaps closer to a 10 on that scale.

What else could lead you to develop strong negative beliefs about your emotions and sensitivity? Maybe you had experiences of expressing your emotions but didn’t feel heard, supported, or accepted. Or perhaps you resonate with some of the four experiences listed earlier that could have led you to feel hurt or ashamed about your emotional sensitivity and empathy, and to reject them.

Sometimes, it may be necessary to work through the emotional pain from these types of experiences to undo the hold that the resulting negative beliefs have on us. But there’s one thing that also needs to be recognized: these experiences happened with specific people and in specific environments.

Rather than attributing these unpleasant experiences to being in the wrong company or environment, we often hold ourselves accountable for the “problem” of being sensitive and empathic. We were led to believe that we were “too sensitive,” “too empathic,” or “too kind,” and that we needed to adapt to fit in. But could it be that we were simply among certain people and environments that didn’t fit with us?

If you’re still surrounded by the same types of people — or in environments that lead you to reject or suppress your emotions, sensitivity, and empathy — it’s worth considering whether you still want to interact with those individuals in the same way, or stay in those kinds of environments. Imagine what it would be like to spend more time with people and in places where you can just be yourself.

Determining which emotional reactions to take personal accountability for and change, versus where to assign accountability to others so you can honor who you are, can be challenging. This process often requires deep exploration, and having the guidance of a coach, therapist, or other adviser can be helpful..

The benefits of accepting our true nature

When these challenges are worked through so we’re no longer in fear and judgment of our emotions, sensitivity, and empathy, we begin to understand that they serve a beneficial purpose in our life. The more you understand and accept your innate sensitivity, the clearer this purpose becomes.

This, in turn, can have a profound impact on your sense of self, your identity, and how you experience life each day. By accepting your true nature, you can find a deeper connection with yourself, inner harmony, greater self-confidence, and be able to live life with a newfound sense of purpose.