The following story is a fictional case study that is a condensed and abbreviated version of the work I've done with clients over the years. The client in the story, Amy, is representative of many clients, as well as friends, acquaintances, and myself, and the struggles we've experienced as individuals and as Third Culture Kids (TCKs).
While the specifics of each person's experiences are different, I've found that TCKs share similar themes in the challenges they've experienced while growing up:
Difficulties fitting in socially and intellectually in different environments
Having relationship issues with parents and family members, and
Having unresolved grief from their moves.
This story aims to illustrate how these challenges shape one's TCK identity and how they affect a TCK in their day-to-day life as an adult. It also explains how one can reverse any negative effects from these challenges and uncover who they actually are.
Amy's identity: Before coaching
Amy came to me seeking help on her identity issues. A TCK who was born to a Chinese mother and French-Canadian father, she grew up in Hong Kong, the U.S., and New Zealand. She was married with two children, and she worked at a biotech firm in North Carolina.
Amy said that even though she had good things in her life, she couldn't shake the feeling that something just wasn't right. She saw her upbringing as a TCK as struggles that had to be overcome, and being stressed and anxious seemed like it was just part of life. A small part of her knew that life could be more joyful, but she didn't know how.
She said that as much as she had adapted to her life in North Carolina, she still felt that she didn't know who she was or where she belonged. She wished she could define herself by one culture, but she couldn't. Even though she had some friends, she always felt a little uncomfortable when she had to interact with certain groups of people. While she was successful at her job, she experienced times when she felt anxious around people and doubtful about whether she was at the right job. She could speak multiple languages and she was aware that she had more knowledge and experience because of her TCK experience, but she still felt like she wasn't good enough. She didn't know where home was or if such a place could ever exist for her.
Deconstructing Amy's identity
Part I: Identity formed through social experiences
I asked Amy how her identity issues were showing up most in her life at the moment. She said it was her work. No one on her team was a TCK and most of them had grown up in North Carolina. Every time she interacted with them, she felt like she didn't belong.
I asked Amy for an example of this. A week ago, at a team social gathering, her coworkers were all talking about a TV show they had watched when they were little kids. Amy had no idea what they were talking about because her family didn't watch American shows when she was little, even when they were in the U.S. She felt uncomfortable and stayed quiet while they talked.
I asked Amy if she wanted to do EFT tapping on this experience. She agreed. I asked her how she felt when she thought about that experience. She said she felt anxious, at a level of 8 out of 10, because all she felt she could do was sit and listen — she didn't want them to find out that she didn't understand what they were talking about. As we tapped, her anxiety reduced from an 8 to a 4, and then to a 2. She was feeling much better.
But after continuing to tap on the experience one more time, her anxiety stayed at a 2. I asked her if she had any other experiences like this in the past. She had many, both in her adulthood and childhood.
After we worked through some recent experiences, Amy remembered an experience from her childhood. I asked if she was comfortable talking about it. She shared that after she moved from Hong Kong to the U.S. when she was 6, she was teased and taunted by kids on the school bus. Once, it was because she didn't understand what the kids were talking about. Another time, two kids taunted her for her Chinese appearance.
I asked Amy if she wanted to tap on these experiences, and she agreed. When we tapped on each experience, Amy first felt anger. But after we tapped on them, her anger changed to hurt, and eventually the hurt dissipated.
Then, Amy had an epiphany. She realized that because she believed in what the kids said, she had formed multiple beliefs that she continued to hold throughout her life:
It's unsafe if I don't know something.
It's unsafe if I don't fit into a certain culture.
There is something wrong with me if I don't fit into a certain culture.
It's unsafe to express my true thoughts.
It's unsafe to trust people.
Looking or being part-Chinese is unsafe and makes me not good enough.
Amy realized how much these beliefs had impacted much of her life. They had contributed to her anxiety around people and her constant attempts to fit in with others and not be herself. They had made it difficult for her to admit that she didn't know something, and she was always stressed trying to over-prepare for meetings at work. She had disliked and avoided the Chinese part of herself. And she had felt that no matter what she did, she was never good enough. She also saw how her past experiences and beliefs had created anxiety with raising her children and even the way she interacted with her husband.
Amy and I continued to work on similar experiences. As she tapped on and cleared the unpleasant emotions from those experiences, she started to create new beliefs. These beliefs replaced the first three above.
It's safe to not know everything.
I can still be safe if I don't fit perfectly into a certain culture.
There's nothing wrong with me even when I don't fit perfectly into a certain culture.
We checked back on how she felt about the time she was with her coworkers and they were talking about the TV show. She smiled and said she didn't feel any anxiety anymore.
Part II: Identity formed through family experiences
To make sure that we had resolved everything about that situation, I asked Amy to think about it again. She said that even though she barely felt any anxiety, she still didn't feel completely comfortable being her real self with her coworkers. She also realized that she just doesn't feel in any way connected to any of them and even with the work she did. Deep down, she would rather be doing something else. But she was worried about "what people would think."
Amy and I explored what that meant. She was worried that her colleagues, parents, and even some friends would think less of her if she left to do something else. As we explored this further, we found a root cause of her worry to be the experiences she had with her mother, who repeatedly told her that she needed to have a certain type of job and make a certain amount of money to make her family proud.
After we tapped on these experiences with her mother, Amy continued to have more epiphanies. She realized that another reason why she rejected the Chinese part of herself was because it reminded her of her mother, who was often critical. She had trouble being herself and expressing her thoughts and feelings because she had been afraid of her mother's reaction. Her lifelong struggle of not knowing what she wanted was because she was torn between honoring her mother and her own values. She started to realize how much she had been affected by the cultures in which she grew up.
When this part of our work was done, Amy felt more at peace about those experiences and her relationship with her mother. She formed more new beliefs. The first three beliefs replaced some of the beliefs that also came from her experience with the kids on the school bus.
It's safe to express who I am.
It's safe to trust people.
There is nothing wrong with being part-Chinese and I can accept that part of myself without having to accept all of the values of my mom or her culture. I can choose which parts of each culture I want to keep and which ones to let go.
I am good enough and what people said or did to me is a reflection of them, not me.
It's safe to live according to my own interests, values, and desires.
I don't have to force myself to fit others, but I can find people who fit me.
We checked back one more time on the time she was with her coworkers and they were talking about the TV show. She said she now felt comfortable when she imagined telling them she didn't know what they were talking about. She even felt okay with all of the possible responses they might have. Amy realized that she felt at ease with her relationship with her coworkers, but she also felt good about leaving her job to pursue something that would make her happier.
I asked Amy how she felt about telling her colleagues, family, and friends about leaving. She said she was no longer worried about what they might think.
Part III: Identity formed through loss
Amy also decided that she no longer wanted to live in her town in North Carolina. No matter how much she tried, she couldn't find people with similar interests and values. But she felt torn about where she wanted to live. She didn't really want to go back to New Zealand, but she often found her thoughts wandered to her time there as a young teen, and there was a certain sadness.
Amy said that she had done a lot of journaling about her moves and thought she had done enough grieving. But she was open to seeing if there was anything left to work on. After we began working on it, she realized that not only did she still feel grief about losing good friends and the things she liked about New Zealand, but she was angry that she had had no control over her situation.
After we spent time tapping on her memories of leaving New Zealand, Amy felt at peace, and grateful for having spent time there. She still had good memories, but she no longer felt tied to them. She felt free.
Amy's identity: After coaching
Amy was free of all of the experiences that kept her stuck in her past. She was also free of all of the beliefs she learned from those experiences that kept her from moving forward in her life.
Today, Amy says she's no longer consumed with thoughts about what her identity is. She stopped needing to define herself. And while she no longer feels distressed being around people who are different from her and she feels comfortable just being herself, she also no longer forces herself to stay in situations she knows doesn't make her feel happy and fulfilled.
Because Amy no longer was afraid of expressing her thoughts and feelings and no longer had a general distrust of people, it had an immense impact on her relationships. She expressed her thoughts and feelings more fully to her husband, which led them to have more honest conversations and develop a deeper connection with each other. She sought and attracted friendships with people who accepted her fully for who she was.
Amy also felt less anxious about her children. No longer weighed down by thoughts of her past struggles, she no longer was overly consumed by worries about how to keep them protected from every challenge they might encounter or what her relationship was going to be like with them. Amy was now able to raise her children from a place of grounding and wisdom instead of worry.
Amy's identity is now based on the things that make her happy. She and her husband eventually moved to a small city in North Carolina where they've made good friends with like-minded people, both TCKs and non-TCKs, who share their interests and values. They enjoy sharing stories about traveling, eating their favorite foods, and trying out new activities with other people. Amy also decided to go back to school part-time to pursue an interest she always had. She no longer sees her life ahead of her as a struggle, but full of opportunity to enjoy more of the things she enjoys. Because of this, she now lives with little stress and anxiety. When challenges do arise, Amy is able to ask for and receive support from others in her new life. Now having built a life that fits her, supports her, and gives her connection, purpose, and joy, Amy found home and belonging.
Reflections
What have your experiences been?
What beliefs did you form from those experiences?
How have those beliefs affected the way you view yourself, the way you interact with others, and the way you live your life?
Which of those beliefs contribute to your stress and anxiety in your daily life?
Do you want to let go of the beliefs that are no longer serving you? If so, what kind of beliefs do you want instead?
What parts of yourself — your values, interests, and parts of your cultures — do you want to appreciate, nurture, and enjoy?
The work we do in EFT coaching answers these questions organically. We simply start with question 1, and answers to the remaining questions arise as we do the work.
If you're open to the idea of looking at your TCK experiences so you can 1) start feeling better in your day-to-day life, 2) eventually let go of old beliefs that are keeping you confused about your identity, and 3) learn to build a new identity and home for yourself, please reach out.