Why Life Felt So Hard for Me as a TCK (and What I Eventually Understood)

For context, I’m 46 as I write this in 2026. I wanted to share this because many Adult Third Culture Kids who find their way here are struggling, and I understand how difficult certain periods of life can be for TCKs. I’m offering my story in case it provides some perspective, or simply helps you feel less alone in what you’re experiencing.

When you’re in your 20s, life can feel especially hard. Being a child or teenager is difficult in part because you have very little control or choice, particularly as a TCK. But once you leave school, a different set of challenges appears. You’re suddenly expected to build a life, support yourself, and make decisions without having much prior experience to draw on. Nothing really prepares you for the uncertainty of your 20s, and it’s a decade I personally would never want to relive—a sentiment shared by many.

For TCKs in their 20s now, there’s often added anxiety layered on top of all of this. Many are navigating adulthood while dealing with social media pressure, global instability, lingering post-pandemic disconnection, and real concern about how technological shifts such as AI are affecting employment, career paths, and long-term security.

What often makes this period even harder is that you’re navigating the impact of being a TCK while regular life is unfolding at the same time. You’re dealing with money, relationships, and questions about what you want to do with your life. Even though I finally had more control and could make my own choices, I felt anxious most of the time. For years, I didn’t fully understand why.

I had theories: ongoing identity issues, difficulties with family, the stress of where I was living, trying to find work and support myself, worrying about whether I was accomplishing enough, and other challenging experiences along the way. When there’s that much to manage just to get through life, it all starts to blur together.

For much of my 20s, I was deeply depressed, cynical, and convinced that this was simply how life was. I genuinely believed I was wiser for seeing things that way, and that there was little I could do to change it.

At one point, a boss said to me, “I don’t understand how you can be so smart but be so unsure of yourself.” I had never thought of myself as smart, so her comment stayed with me. It opened a door to trying to better understand myself, and it became a question I returned to again and again over the next fifteen years.

As time went on, certain aspects of life did become easier. With age came more experience, a thicker skin, and a better ability to handle situations. On the surface, my life looked increasingly solid. I had friends, jobs, and relationships. As long as things were going reasonably well and I stayed busy with things I enjoyed, I thought I was doing fine.

What I didn’t recognize at the time was how much I was tamping down. Having a thicker skin and being able to “handle things” often meant disconnecting from what I was actually feeling so I could keep going. It wasn’t something I was consciously doing; it had simply become the way I moved through life.

Eventually, that stopped working. I began experiencing panic attacks, health issues, sleep problems, and recurring nightmares. I was deeply unhappy in my job while maintaining an appearance of being okay. I wanted to leave but didn’t know where to go. When I tried to find another job, it didn’t work out. Looking back, I can see that people could sense how disconnected and unsure I felt, even when I was trying hard to hide it.

That period became a turning point for me.

This was when I finally stopped ignoring what I was actually feeling, found someone I trusted, and got myself help. Through that process, I started to make sense of what was underneath all of my struggles.

One of the most important realizations was that my TCK experiences were only part of the picture. It wasn’t just the bullying or teasing, the moments of feeling behind or out of place in school, the goodbyes after finally feeling settled, or the confusion of holding a citizenship that didn’t reflect who I was. While these experiences had a real impact, they weren’t the only reason life felt so hard. Over time, it became clear that the issue ran deeper.

My challenges hadn’t started with my first move. They began much earlier. I grew up feeling different and not truly understood for who I was, not only in social settings, but even within my own family. Cultural differences weren’t the core issue. I felt different from my family and from others in ways that extended beyond culture. Even if I had shared the same cultural upbringing, there still would have been meaningful differences in how we experienced the world and how we related to other people.

As TCKs, many of us wonder what connection actually means and how to find it. For me, it came down to something simple: being seen, heard, understood, and accepted as I am—and offering the same to others. When someone engages with genuine attention, openness, curiosity, and empathy, real connection can happen, regardless of background or history.

One question that can be worth reflecting on is this: when you weren’t seen, heard, understood, or accepted, was that primarily due to a cultural gap, or because the people around you weren’t able to truly see you or engage with you in a meaningful way?

When I was able to face that question, along with the pain connected to it, things began to shift. My relationships improved, and I became less unsure of myself. Because of that, I got better at finding what actually worked for me—in my work, my relationships, and where I lived. The things that had created so much anxiety and stress over the years gradually fell away, and life began to feel easier to navigate.

If life feels harder than it should, or you’re in the middle of trying to make sense of why certain things haven’t settled despite your efforts, you’re not alone. Many Third Culture Kids are carrying more than they realize. As you begin to understand and work through what’s actually been weighing on you, life often becomes less of a struggle and easier to move through.