Overcoming A Sense of Not Belonging

Navigating the complexities of not fitting into a single cultural box and feeling a lack of belonging can be a deeply challenging and confusing experience. Recently, a young TCK reached out for advice on how to navigate these struggles, especially after facing rejection and a sense of otherness from cultural groups they partly identified with. I wanted to share some insights on this topic, both from my own experience and from the work I’ve done with other TCKs, in the hope that it might help others work through these feelings.

Exploring the belief that we have to fit into a single cultural box to belong

Many TCKs struggle with the idea that fitting into one specific cultural box is the only way to truly belong. This belief often arises from two main experiences:

1. Rejection or misunderstanding from our cultural groups, where we were made to feel unaccepted due to our multicultural background.

2. Disconnection from those groups because we don't share the same experiences, knowledge, or values.

It's completely natural and understandable to feel uncomfortable with these experiences and to yearn for a sense of belonging, especially when we find ourselves in situations where we have little control over our surroundings and social interactions.

But if we’ve been rejected for being TCKs, this can lead us to believe that there’s something wrong with us for being different. We might feel responsible for making others feel comfortable or for meeting their expectations of who we should be. As the "odd" one or the minority, it's easy to internalize a belief like, "I'm the problem and I need to change to fit in with everyone else." (It's no surprise that adaptability is a common trait among TCKs.)

But it’s important to remember that if we’ve been rejected for our TCK background, that rejection isn’t a reflection of our worth; it’s more about the other person’s limitations and struggles. If we observe situations where one group is prejudiced against another simply because of race or ethnicity, we can see that the issue isn't with the minority, but with the group’s inability to look beyond surface differences. The right people will appreciate us for who we are, regardless of our background.

Feeling disconnected from our cultural groups can also lead us to believe that our multicultural background is to blame. We might feel like we don't truly belong anywhere because our experiences don't perfectly align with any single cultural group. For example, I’ve often thought to myself, "I'm not Japanese. I'm not American. I'm not quite Japanese-American either."

But this kind of thinking is limiting. Humans tend to categorize and label things to make sense of the world, including ourselves. While labels like "TCKs" can help us understand our experiences, labeling groups can lead to generalizations that prevent us from seeing the uniqueness of each individual. If I say, "I don't belong because I don't fit in with Japanese people," I'm actually making a sweeping generalization about an entire ethnic group. In fact, I’m falling into the same pattern of prejudice that leads people to reject us based on our background.

Moving Beyond Labels to Find Genuine Connection

Instead of feeling like we don’t belong because we don’t fit neatly into one culture, it’s more helpful to explore whether our disconnection comes from not sharing enough in common with the specific individuals we’ve interacted with. Feeling out of place isn’t about forsaking our multiculturalism; it’s about seeking out people who share our interests, values, and perspectives — regardless of their cultural background.

I understand that despite these challenges, some TCKs can still desire a connection to the cultures that shape their identity. (Note, some can also have a desire to avoid them: a topic for another time.) It's worth exploring alternative ways to enjoy your cultures without forcing yourself to fit in with specific people who reject us. Is it possible to find different individuals within these communities or elsewhere with whom we can form genuine connections? Or, is it possible that by authentically being ourselves, without trying to please or convince others, the right people within these communities may overcome their initial prejudices and genuinely connect with us?

It's also important to acknowledge that what most of us crave is the experience of deep human connection, which transcends cultural backgrounds. So other questions to explore, and those that I personally live by are: Could we form connections with people that have less to do with our cultural backgrounds, but are based more on our personalities, interests, values, and perspectives? Could we find people to connect on a deeper, more personal level? By approaching connections in this way, we can build meaningful relationships with individuals who truly see us for who we are beyond the confines of cultural labels. These connections have the potential to bring us the sense of belonging and understanding we long for, irrespective of cultural differences.

Exploring whether our past experiences are affecting how we see ourselves and relate to the world

One of the most important shifts for many TCKs is questioning the belief that we have to be 100% of a particular culture to be good enough or to belong. This often includes releasing the need to define ourselves solely by our cultural background — or to define ourselves at all.

Letting go of this idea doesn’t mean rejecting our cultural background. It means loosening the grip of the belief that our worth or legitimacy depends on fitting into a specific cultural box, or on being approved of by a particular group. Often, identity issues don’t resolve by defining ourselves more precisely, but by no longer needing a definition in order to feel secure in who we are.

Doing this usually requires revisiting past experiences that shaped how we learned to relate to others and to ourselves. Experiences of rejection, misunderstanding, or having to adapt repeatedly can leave lasting impressions about what it takes to be accepted. While these experiences may have been part of growing up as a TCK, they don’t have to continue to shape how we live and relate as adults.

Consider this: what if we had grown up surrounded by open-minded, diverse individuals who celebrated every aspect of who we were? What if we were part of a community that didn’t expect us to label or define ourselves by a single culture or place? Communities like this do exist. Had we grown up in them, we likely would never have developed the belief that fitting into one cultural group is the only path to belonging.

It can be helpful to ask questions like: What beliefs did I form about myself in response to my experiences? How do those beliefs still influence how I show up with people today? And which of them are no longer serving me?

Finding resolution and building connection going forward

Working through these experiences looks different for everyone. Some people find clarity through therapy, others through coaching, reflection, spiritual practices, or other approaches that help them understand and shift long-standing patterns. What matters most isn’t the method, but the willingness to examine how past experiences continue to influence present-day behavior and relationships.

As those patterns change, many TCKs find that connection becomes more accessible. They feel less pressure to prove, explain, or adapt themselves in order to be accepted. Relationships begin to form around shared interests, values, and ways of seeing the world, rather than around cultural labels alone.

Over time, belonging stops feeling like something that has to be earned or negotiated. It starts to emerge naturally through connections where people are able to see and relate to one another as individuals, beyond background or category.